Beowulf was just a diversion
People keep asking: "Mr. Redstone, don't you want to enjoy your grandchildren?" or "Mr. Redstone, don't you want to retire to a private island somewhere?" or "Mr. Redstone, have I ever told you how much I admire your virility?"
The answers are "No, they're usually sticky", "I hate islands" and "Thank you".
You know why I'm in such magnificent shape? You know why I still look like I'm in my early 50s? You know why I still have all my own hair and internal organs? It's because I work hard and play hard. It's because I'm a visionary. It's because I've fully embraced modern technology.
I think we all know - except maybe you, Silverman - that the nonsense about internet residuals is just that, nonsense. I've revealed my ultimate plan to you all - again, except you, Silverman - over many weekends in The Hamptons and Vail, but to restate:
We must hold the line. We must hold the line for all upper-class white men everywhere. The Communist Menace is very real, and it lives among us, trying to get us to make movies about the Iraq war and global warming.
My scientists are hard at work on creating photo-realistic CG animation. And we're close. Very close. You thought 300 was real? Think again, pally. 99% of that was computer generated. Gerard Butler doesn't even exist! He's just a hologram, a composite of various features Mrs. Redstone enjoys in a man. 1
THAT is the future. Think on that for a moment: a glorious golden era of film and television created by ever-cheaper computers. No actors to pay: fuck them and their ridiculous snack demands. Replace temperamental directors with easily controlled computer technicians with ponytails and Star Trek t-shirts. And best of all: no more WGA writers. Feature animation? Not covered. And the future, my friends, will be entirely animated.
The writers say: just give us a fair deal. All we're asking for is the ability to go the dentist once every six months and put 8% down on a fixer-upper in Culver City. They say: this is the line! We can't give you anymore, moguls! They say: we deserve fair pay for fair work.
It sounds reasonable. Seductive, even. But we know better, don't we?
And I say: this is the line. To here, gentlemen. No further. We must hold fast for eight more months. That's when the ANIMATRON 4000 comes online: photorealistic CG; 1400 actor modules, from "Hot jailbaity chick" to "Non-threatening black action hero" to "Shia LaBoeuf"; optional genre-scribe add-ons for everything from "Movie you think is a romance but that actually turns out to be about leukemia" to "Rob Schneider picture". All that in a package smaller than your BlackBerry.
It's the future, gentlemen. And it is ours.
Some of you, and I won't name names, are starting to get worried. Oh, I've heard you whining about your fall schedules, and having to return money to advertisers. That's fine with me.
In 1917, I held the line in a muddy trench in France. I will hold the line now.
Sumner
1Through an offshore shell company, I own 99% of Virtual Studios. Sorry if that comes as a surprise, Silverman.
The answers are "No, they're usually sticky", "I hate islands" and "Thank you".
You know why I'm in such magnificent shape? You know why I still look like I'm in my early 50s? You know why I still have all my own hair and internal organs? It's because I work hard and play hard. It's because I'm a visionary. It's because I've fully embraced modern technology.
I think we all know - except maybe you, Silverman - that the nonsense about internet residuals is just that, nonsense. I've revealed my ultimate plan to you all - again, except you, Silverman - over many weekends in The Hamptons and Vail, but to restate:
We must hold the line. We must hold the line for all upper-class white men everywhere. The Communist Menace is very real, and it lives among us, trying to get us to make movies about the Iraq war and global warming.
My scientists are hard at work on creating photo-realistic CG animation. And we're close. Very close. You thought 300 was real? Think again, pally. 99% of that was computer generated. Gerard Butler doesn't even exist! He's just a hologram, a composite of various features Mrs. Redstone enjoys in a man. 1
THAT is the future. Think on that for a moment: a glorious golden era of film and television created by ever-cheaper computers. No actors to pay: fuck them and their ridiculous snack demands. Replace temperamental directors with easily controlled computer technicians with ponytails and Star Trek t-shirts. And best of all: no more WGA writers. Feature animation? Not covered. And the future, my friends, will be entirely animated.
The writers say: just give us a fair deal. All we're asking for is the ability to go the dentist once every six months and put 8% down on a fixer-upper in Culver City. They say: this is the line! We can't give you anymore, moguls! They say: we deserve fair pay for fair work.
It sounds reasonable. Seductive, even. But we know better, don't we?
And I say: this is the line. To here, gentlemen. No further. We must hold fast for eight more months. That's when the ANIMATRON 4000 comes online: photorealistic CG; 1400 actor modules, from "Hot jailbaity chick" to "Non-threatening black action hero" to "Shia LaBoeuf"; optional genre-scribe add-ons for everything from "Movie you think is a romance but that actually turns out to be about leukemia" to "Rob Schneider picture". All that in a package smaller than your BlackBerry.
It's the future, gentlemen. And it is ours.
Some of you, and I won't name names, are starting to get worried. Oh, I've heard you whining about your fall schedules, and having to return money to advertisers. That's fine with me.
In 1917, I held the line in a muddy trench in France. I will hold the line now.
Sumner
1Through an offshore shell company, I own 99% of Virtual Studios. Sorry if that comes as a surprise, Silverman.
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